Atlanta +3 1/2 at Detroit: Big game for both teams. If Atlanta wins, they got a little momentum going after their slow start, and look solid for the playoff run. Lose, and they look like an up-and-down team that might have to sweat out tie-breakers for a #6 seed wild card spot. But given the Lions long history of garbage football, the stakes are even higher for the Honolulu Blue-and-Silver. If the Lions lose their second straight home game, there will definitely be Panic in Detroit. The panic might have already hit fans and local media after losing to the 49ers, but the loss, and the leaky run defense, was overshadowed by the Harbaugh-Schwartz Pat-a-Cake Title Bout. [I liked Harbaugh’s hilariously and subtly insulting taking of responsibility for the fightless fight: “I shook his hand too hard.” We are to therefore understand Schwartz is a nancy boy who winces in agony when given anything other than a limp-wristed laying on of hands. With one Harbaugh iron grip, Schwartz is reduced from raging sideline madman to crybaby queer.] Anyway, the celebrated Suh and Co. must get back to basics this week. They’ve been spotty against the run all year, getting by on turnovers and dumb opposing coaches (negro Viking Leslie Frazier only giving #28 five carries in the second half in Minnesota). A defensive line that can’t plug run holes is worthless. Soft and worthless. Suh and Co. have made life miserable for QBs all year, but if you don’t have to throw the ball against Detroit, what does that matter? The Falcons will see how the 49ers ran all over Detroit, and will give Michael Turner every opportunity to do the same. For the Falcons to win, they need to stick with the run for 4 quarters. I got a feeling Suh and Co. will come out ready to stop the run, but can they maintain their focus for the entire game? If the Lions get an early lead, the Falcons had better not abandon the run. Matt Ryan will not beat Suh and Co., Suh and Co. will beat Matt Ryan. . .to a pulp. The Lions run game is a mess, and now Javhid Best has a headache, so they swapped a pair of Kid Rock concert tickets for a washed-up Ronnie Brown. I make it even money he fumbles on his first carry. The Falcons run defense is pretty solid, so it’s all gonna be on Mathilda Stafford to deliver the points this week. She couldn’t do it last week, but the Falcons secondary stinks. . .even Tavaris Jackson hung 300 yards on them. If Mathilda wants to be a marquis QB, she’s got to win games like this solely with her right arm. Is she up to the challenge? I don’t think so. I see Atlanta pounding the Lions on the ground, then going on top for a couple big gainers to White and Jones. Falcons win outright, and the Lions bandwagon begins to empty. Atlanta.
San Diego at New York Jets +2: Jets beat a sad Miami team to get to 3 - 3, and now play the Chargers. San Diego is the better team on offense and defense. . .Ryan Matthews is turning into one of the best RBs in the league, and Rivers is still throwing for nearly 300 a game. Yet the Chargers somehow manage to keep every team they play in the game. Tim Tebow had them on the ropes in their last game. But Mark Sanchez is no Tim Tebow. San Diego.
Chicago at Tampa Bay +1: They could bill this one the NFL Parity Bowl. These are two teams that can beat anybody, or lose to anybody, on any given Sunday. The game will probably go into overtime. Both teams have beat Atlanta and lost to Detroit, but Tampa beat New Orleans, and Chicago lost to New Orleans, so it would seem Tampa is the team to pick. . .but Jayne Cutler’s been pretty good the last couple weeks, despite rumors of her being bitchy to offensive coordinator Mike Martz. . .and if Tampa Bay wins, they’d actually be 5 - 2. . .and that’s a little too good for a parity team. . .whereas if the Bears win, they’ll both be 4 - 3, right where they belong. Chicago.
Denver +2 at Miami: This might be the most interesting Toilet Bowl ever. Two horrible teams nobody normally would give a shit about, but because Tim Tebow, Mr. Clean-Cut Christian College Football Icon/Pro Football Martyr is starting, everybody will be curious. Miami was awful with Chad Henne, and now that he’s gone, they’re hopeless on offense, relying on the beat-up anti-Tebow, Reggie Bush, to make a few big plays. I’m actually shocked Denver is the underdog. Are they the underdog because Tebow is starting? Is that how little the *experts* expect from him? Would the Broncos be favored to win if Orton was still in there? I’ve always thought Tebow could win in the NFL. I’ve long been a fan of the more unorthodox QBs. . .Billy Kilmer, Fran Tarkenton, Kenny Stabler, Jim Plunkett, Steve Grogan, Jim McMahon. You can win a lot of games with abnormal QBs. And, hey, what’s the difference, really, between Tebow and Michael Vick, anyway? Vick is just the negative image of Tebow, darker, dumber, faster, stronger arm, but basically the same game. Tebow gets the W back in Florida. Denver.
Houston +3 at Tennessee: A mini parity bowl, with 3 - 2 Tennessee going against neurotic 3 - 3 Houston. It was all set up for Houston to coast into the playoffs when Peyton Manning went down, but now the Wellbutrin Texans are without Andre Johnson and Mario Williams. Tennessee sucks, yet if they win they have a 2 game lead over the Xanax Texans in the loss column in the AFC South, the Appalachia of the NFL. . .they ought to put this decal design on the helmets of whichever team wins the AFC South:
The whole Orton thing in Denver was a ploy to increase Orton's value, especially after the Miami deal fell through. It didn't work out very well. Orton didn't increase his value. Who wants him?
ReplyDeleteThe big thing about Tebow is how his teammates rally around him. Vick doesn't have that. And Vick is a whiner. Tebow wept in a game, but it didn't seem he wept for himself. I think he felt bad for letting the team down.
Vick? Hah, "I don't wanna complain, but. . . . "
He whines for getting tackled. In football. When he holds onto the ball too long and goes running. Big Ben took a monster shot that would have "concussed" the frail Vick into an hour of "not complaining, but. . . . "
Vick is a horrible quarterback. Horrible. His diva attitude is better suited for a receiver or as a queen in prison, which is, ironically, a receiver position as well.
While Tebow studies the playbook and abstains from sex (a tragedy, really; here's hoping Tebow never becomes bitter when looking back at all the tail he could have bagged), Vick spreads herpes and treats the playbook like a Negro treats certified mail.